Seriously, I mostly do what I want.

I love reading blogs. The food blogs, the exercise blogs, the crafty blogs, the life story blogs… I love them all. I also love to write, or at least I used to, and I want to start writing again… so here’s my best effort at creating my own little blog space!

The idea to start this blog was born out of a personal decision to quit drinking for 100 days and some writing exercises I started with this choice. I didn't/don’t plan on this blog being about my sobriety or the reasons I've chosen to live 100 days sober, but I've always wanted to write a blog and I guess this is a pretty nifty place to address and discuss this decision.

So, the basics… I've decided to quit drinking for 100 days. I started August 18 and will hit 100 days on November 25. I’m doing this because I have a problem with my drinking. I’m not sure what that problem really is at this point, but it’s become big enough that it’s time to face it. I’m doing this on my own, under no duress or intervention, willingly, and excitedly open to the possibilities. And, one BIG thing to address right off the bat… I’m NOT PREGNANT!! The little belly I’m sporting these days? NOT a baby! Most likely this is a few million calories consumed from my favorite box(es) of wine, or possibly the tasty burrito I had for lunch. 

And listen, I know this is hard to talk about. I’m not sure if it’s harder for me to answer the “Pregnant?” question, or harder to see the clear, “Ahhh geez, why did I even ask? This is sooooo uncomfortable…” look on someone’s face when I respond with, “I have a drinking problem.” It’s a tough topic and it’s not a “normal” thing to throw out in a conversation. Trust me, I get it! But the truth is, I have a problem. I’m not ashamed of it and I really want to write about it, hopefully sharing a look into my struggle and opening the conversation with others completely without judgment.

Alcohol has given me a lot of “support” in my life. It relaxes me after a long, hard, stressful day at work. It rewards me after a long run or a hard ride, Yay Me! It comforts me in social settings… ok, let’s be honest, in my head it makes me the life of the frickin’ party! Alcohol has been an honored guest at some of my most important life events. Engaged… yep, had a mini bottle of wine in my hand as he put a ring on it. Married… yep, my gorgeous bridesmaids stole away a box of wine under my table, ensuring a never empty glass.

This drink did not leave my hand all night! But isn't my dress gorgeous!?

Birthday Parties… yes, every single one since age 19 (sorry, mom!). Graduation… yep. Christmas… yep. Oh wait, it’s Thursday… Heck yeah! Family… Oh yes, it’s there too. There at the most wonderful, long, candlelit family dinners, laughing, talking, storytelling, being together! Sitting on a patio drinking beers with my brothers in the afternoon – So, so great! Exploring new towns and new breweries with my husband – So many wonderful memories!

Good times in Pinedale, WY

I don’t regret a second of these memories, not one… each are a bright, beautiful piece of my life and I’m grateful for every single one. But that “support”? It’s become a crutch. An easy, false path to relaxation and stress relief. An easy, habitual reward for a job well done. And a haze over my honest personality. Alcohol has become my hiding place, silently holding me in a cloud of depression that I want no part of. It clouds my judgment and skews my perceptions. It’s been a dark place that I couldn't find myself in anymore. I need to find myself again.

I don't know if I was sad here... but it's sufficiently hazy... :)

Which leads me to this decision. I’m not ready to use the “A” word yet… but I’m willing to explore it, try it on for size and make sure I’m addressing this fully and wholly. I want to find my joy without the booze, find relaxation without the buzz and make my choices, big and small, without the cloud of Vino fogging my head. I want to dream big and crazy dreams for my life. I want to “un-pickle” my personality and find the great, funny, smart person I know I am without the drink in hand. I've chosen 100 days because it’s challenging and hard and important and worth not giving up on. When 100 days are done I don’t know what will happen. I’ll keep you posted though.

Until then,
katykatxo

I do what I want!