Maybe some of the best times??
With more of the best times to follow??

Seasons of Change

As the temperatures drop along with the autumn leaves I find myself hunkering down into a state of calm and reflection. While Summer is so much about going fast and playing hard and "doing" so much, Fall seems to be more about preparing and fortifying for what is to come... (I really want to throw in a Game of Thrones reference but I will resist!).

This has truly been a season of reflection and gratitude for me so far. I reached the fifty day mark in my sober journey last Sunday and I'm so proud of myself. I knew this journey and goal was possible, but I really wasn't sure what it was going to be like, how it would feel, and if I would change through the process. I have a lot of work to do still and though I'm technically halfway, I feel like it's really only just beginning. At this fifty day mark the "shine" is off a bit. While I am so very proud of myself, the smug feeling of accomplishment has faded, leaving what I imagine is a very realistic and common feeling of "now what?". Where even two weeks ago I was focused on saying no to a drink because "no" meant I could cross off another day on my sober calendar, now that "no" has something standing behind it. Now it's more about the why and less about the why-not?... I want to be mindful about all of the decisions in my life, but this one in particular right now.

Having a drink had become such a habit for me, an action that had very little, if any conscious thought behind it. I really want to think about why I'm choosing to say yes or no. The thought that keeps popping up for me is, "would a drink make this occasion better?" I honestly think there are times an adult beverage does add to the moment, but where I was 50+ days ago this was not how I was making the decision... it was all just a mindless habit.

* Side Note Book Talk - I've been reading "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg and it's really been an interesting exploration of why we form habits and how we change them... I'm not finished with the book yet but I'm excited to see how it might help me understand this better.

I really have enjoyed going to dinners, hanging out with friends, celebrating amazing things and people, all while completely sober. It's been a heartening and proud realization for me to understand that I can be fun and relaxed and funny without drinking. Admittedly, there have been times when I really did think a drink would add to the event or occasion (new beer release at The Rockslide, Birthday Celebrations with my Grandparents, finishing a long run, etc.), but sobriety certainly, without doubt, did not take away from these experiences. I can honestly say that I would choose a lifetime of sobriety over ever going back to where I was just a few short weeks ago. Being sober has lifted a dark and heavy blanket from my soul, giving me the strength and hope to work through the things that were really dragging me down. It's a journey that I understand will take longer than 100 days, but I really feel like the seasons are changing and I can't wait to see what's ahead.

Until then,
katykatxo