100 Days

Well, I did it. 100 days of sobriety. I'm proud of the accomplishment and I am so glad I took the time to do this... but what now? What do you do to celebrate something like this? Do you have a glass of wine to celebrate being sober? Do you pretend like it's just another day and go on?

I've been working through these thoughts for the past 100 days... in therapy they say don't worry too much about what happens at the end... "you'll just know...". But now it's the end, and hand on heart, I don't know what to do!

If I'm honest with myself I can admit that I am scared. What if I choose to drink again and I can't control it. I'm afraid that I may not be a person capable of having "just one". I get that it's probably hard for some people to understand the struggle this is for me... it makes me sad that it is a struggle. But the truth is, it was and has always been a hard thing to deal with, to overcome and conquer. It was a battle that I was not winning. For those who maybe don't understand it I can best describe the feeling as this... I can see my first glass of wine or beer in front of me, maybe I'm half way through it. It's cold and it's delicious and I'm enjoying that glass of wine. I'm also enjoying the scene around me, the people, the event, the conversation... but the voice in my head is already thinking, planning, worrying about my next glass of wine and the one after that and the one after that, and I still have a mostly full glass sitting in front of me! It's truly distressing and heartbreaking for me to remember feeling like this. I think this memory is the reason I'm afraid.  I'd like to think I was able to break this habit in the last 100 days and that I can work toward making new habits, maybe habits that do involve "just one"... but I do know I don't want to be where I was before I started this experiment, and if it means I need to remain sober... well, I'm willing to do that.

I don't this this is a decision that I can make lightly, nor do I think it needs to be, or can be made now. I think I'll have to feel it out and see where the next step will take me... I'm mustering the courage to take the next step, it kind of feels like a big one.

On a positive and more celebratory end to day 100 I can say this... I have truly enjoyed 100 days of sobriety. It has been the best decision for me in 100 different ways. I feel like I have reached out and taken my life back. I sleep like a rock, I laugh more quickly and easily, I make decisions with a clear head, I have seriously saved hundreds of dollars, lost a few pounds, and have opened the door to the rest of my life. I've seen without doubt that I am surrounded by supportive and loving people, friends and family who want the very best for me and support every decision I make. I never once experienced judgment or negativity and I felt truly supported and loved through this journey. So thank you. Thank you for the encouragement and the love... thank you for drinking tea and "mocktails" with me... thank you for drinking a beer in front of me and making it all seem completely and utterly normal... thank you for remembering day 21... and day 50... and day 75... and day 99. I am so grateful for the people in my life and I'm even more grateful that they will without fail be there for me whatever the next 100 days looks like. It's a great life and I'm so excited for what lies ahead.

until then,
katykatxo